David will post a medical update soon, but the gist of it is that we are still wading through the unknown. In the midst of the murky unknown, I have discovered (or rather, a gracious hand has exposed) an insatiable thirst in my heart for understanding. Understanding leaves me with some faint hope that there is something I can do to make things right. If we found out David had cancer, we could put him on chemotherapy. If we found out he had food allergies, we could avoid those foods. I want control. I am grasping for it. In my estimation, the season for trial has run its course. Thanks for the ride, its been fun, I have been sanctified, yadda yadda yadda…let’s move on to sunnier skies.
As a result, I have uncovered anger in my heart. Since my wisdom reigns supreme, I feel like injustice is being done. The thoughts flood in: “Why us?” “What good is coming from this?” I am hesitant to come to Jesus, out of fear that He will continue to disappoint me. His reluctance to heal or give any semblance of understanding stings of neglect. I feel like the forgotten child, crying out for her Father’s intervention, and He has noise-cancelling headphones on. He sees me, but he can’t hear me. As a result, I would rather go my own way and figure this out on my own than risk being hurt by the only One that is not supposed to disappoint me.
That, my friends, is an ugly heart. A heart of unbelief. A heart that is tempted to give up and take things into my own hands.
One of my favorite things that Paul Tripp said in my parenting class was:
“Ultimately, human rest is not found in understanding. It is found in trust of the person who can give understanding. There are times when children do not have the capacity to understand; in those times, the father simply asks the child to trust him.”
If I believed the Father’s character, I would not need understanding. I would trust Him.
So, I begin to repeat the list that has rotated through my head many times before.
He hears my cries. He has been in these shoes. He is faithful. He is wise. He is all powerful. His mercies are new every morning. The manna of His Word is sufficient. He is satisfying.
And so, I cry out, with the heartfelt emotion of the father who wants for his child to be healed by Jesus: “I believe, help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) I want to believe Jesus when He says that “All things are possible for the one who believes.” (Mark 9:23) All things! All things, including healing, yes, but more than that, trusting in the One who can heal, but chooses not to. Trusting that He is good, despite what the world will tell you.
Romans 8: 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.[j] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”